Hello,

I am sorry for the long delay on my condition. I'll try to get through the last 3 months in a timely fashion. Sept. 1 was my surgery. It was very extensive. I was only in the hospital for 4 days as they sent me home on Saturday...I opposed, but what did I know. They removed the drain tubes on that morning before I left.

I went home with a lot of medicine and pain. I had home health care nurses come to the house to check my bottom, stoma, and drain holes. Everything was doing well, but the nurse was worried mostly about the drain hole getting infected. After 3 weeks home, I came down with a fever and had to return to the hospital on a Sunday evening. I had an infection where the vaginal wall was removed. It was not healed shut and there was drainage from the outside. I was put on 10 days of antibiotics. It still didn't get rid of the drainage, so they got me started on another dosage of antibiotics. About 1 month after surgery, I went into the surgeon's office for a check up and I was very anemic and was readmitted for the second time. I was so upset. I wasn't expecting that at all. Pain medicine was adjusted at that time, they were trying to control the pain and it was trying for the doctors and myself. After a couple of days, I returned home and began feeling better. At the 2 month mark, I was still not back to normal...what ever that is. As I got closer to 3 months after surgery, I decided that I wasn't having any pain in my bottom so I decided to stop taking the pain medicine prescribed and within 3 days I was having full blown withdrawal symptoms. Needless to say, Rick had to take me back to the hospital emergency room. I guess this is typical for patients that are on pain medicine for a long time. One of my nurses told me that I wasn't having pain because the pain medicine was doing its job. That was a stupid move on my part.

I can't even describe the pain that went along with this surgery. I understand why the doctors never told me, otherwise I would have probably been freaking out. It was worse than I could have imagined, but each day I would feel better than the one before. That was what kept me going. Chemo was looking better all the time.

On December 1, I started my 1st dose of chemo...it is 5FU (I was on it while doing radiation) and a new drug oxsallypratin (I am spelling this as it is pronounced, the spelling is way wrong) along with anti-nausea medicine and a vitamin that helps the 5FU work better. My chemo is always on a Tuesday. I am in the infusion room for about 5 hours total just sitting there. It is not painful at all. Then on Wednesday and Thursday I am extremely tired and then the fun starts. On Friday through Tuesday or Wednesday I am so nauseated I can't stand it. It is like being on a alcohol drunk for 5 days with no relief. At least with the flu or a hang over you can at least sleep, this is not like it at all.

My 2nd chemo was 2 weeks later, December 15. I had only been feeling good for about 5 days and started it all over again. Thankfully, I got an extra week without chemo on December 29 because my oncologist was out of the office. PS. The depression has been horrible. I am seeing a psycologist. He has prescribed a stong amount of depression medicine and it is now kicking in. Along with Indiana weather and being at home alone most of the time and feeling like crap, it all seems to look very gloomy. They say all of this is very normal. It has felt like my world was crashing in on me. Bad dreams, bad thoughts, bad bad bad, all of it. So I am thankful that I have that resolved. Keep in mind that the medicines don't start working immediately. It usually takes 3-7 days for it to start working so nothing is immediate. That is tough to wait it our when you are feeling so down in the dumps. With all this that I have been dealing with it makes surgery recovery seem easier. It is one thing when your body isn't feeling good or normal, but when it is your head, it is really bad. Again, I have great doctors that are keeping up with my symptoms and concerned that I am doing well. They are wonderful! I'm glad we chose IU Med Center.

Here I am, January 5, sitting in the infusion room at IU Med Center getting my 3rd dose of chemo. I truly dreaded coming today. Not because of the infusion time, because of the next 7 days. I hope that it won't be as bad. My doctor has given me some other anti-nausea medicine to help out. I pray it does.

The oxsallypratin causes delayed nausea (that is why it starts on Friday). The also give me that anti-nausea medicine with the chemo and it lasts about 3 days. The 5FU causes diarrhea. It is a dreadful week+.

After taking the first 2 doses of chemo, I decided not to return to school until my chemo is done which will be March 16th. I will hopefully return after spring break.

Everyone has been so supportive. I need all your prayers to get me through the chemo. I have 5 more chemo sessions and dread each one. 12 weeks of this routine and then I am done. I am praying that 2010 is a great year, I am sure it won't be like last year. When I finally finish with chemo, I will have been involved in beating cancer for 10 months to the day. Wow. Almost done. I didn't think chemo was going to be this hard, everyone says that is so much better than it used to be. I can't imagine how bad it really could have been...I may be a wimp, but it sucks.

There have been a lot of tears. Tears of pain, frustration, depression, change, and fear. I hate what has happened to me, I have a lot to reconcile with as my body has changed drastically. Things will never be normal again, but I am anxious to create my new normal, if that is possible.

Again, I am sorry it has taken so long for me to blog. It has been hard for me to focus or stay on task. And I didn't feel good for such a long time after surgery. Thanks for everything.

Judi